14 months and one day ago, my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner, as I wouldn't be able to eat after 22:00. We'd both been crying and talking all day.
See, that morning we were informed that the pregnancy that seemed so on track, had ended without my body taking notice. Or maybe my body didn't want to know. It happens. I was scheduled for a D&C the next morning and I was shattered.
We finally settled on sushi, though hubby was very hesitant, as he didn't want to create a bad connotation to one of our favourite things. But we went and we had a very good last meal together.
As luck would have it, the meds that were meant to dilate me were not a pleasant experience. I spent the early morning hours on my knees in front of the loo, sobbing and vomiting in severe pain. Sushi is not great on the rebound...
We didn't eat sushi again until 23 January of this year... Not due to bad memories, it just turned out that way...
Tomorrow, exactly 14 months and 1 day after my evacuation, I'm scheduled for another obstetric surgery. My womb will again be evacuated and again, we are having sushi as our last meal. Only this time, it's a C-section, not a D&C. And this time, I get to come home with my child. Again, my world is being turned inside out and upside down, but this time it is for life, not death.
Strangely, I only noticed the parallels about 20 minutes ago, I'm usually very good at creating links. And no, I don't think these links are bad or sad. I think they speak to a stability in my marriage and my character. And I believe my first little soul is out there, excitedly waiting for his/her parents to meet this little sister tomorrow and to make more memories.
Baby 1.0 (since we never got to learn any more) will never be forgotten and the empty spot where they should be will never be filled by anyone else. But it's important to me to remember what that baby brought us, gave us. Today we are closer than we were in the lead up to my first pregnancy. We rediscovered each other emotionally and physically in our grief and we are more committed and bonded than ever before. We are also individually more determined and more open, more ready. And more terrified... In some ways, Baby 1.0 gave us our second child, but also gave us back our relationship and our lives. I'm grateful for that gift, very grateful. I'm also sad, because parents shouldn't outlive children and, though unborn, that was my child and I lost them.
So, let us try this again, only this time, let the tears be happy. (And let it not undo me)
