Second time around

14 months and one day ago, my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner, as I wouldn't be able to eat after 22:00. We'd both been crying and talking all day.
See, that morning we were informed that the pregnancy that seemed so on track, had ended without my body taking notice. Or maybe my body didn't want to know. It happens. I was scheduled for a D&C the next morning and I was shattered.
We finally settled on sushi, though hubby was very hesitant, as he didn't want to create a bad connotation to one of our favourite things. But we went and we had a very good last meal together.
As luck would have it, the meds that were meant to dilate me were not a pleasant experience. I spent the early morning hours on my knees in front of the loo, sobbing and vomiting in severe pain. Sushi is not great on the rebound...

We didn't eat sushi again until 23 January of this year... Not due to bad memories, it just turned out that way...

Tomorrow, exactly 14 months and 1 day after my evacuation, I'm scheduled for another obstetric surgery. My womb will again be evacuated and again, we are having sushi as our last meal. Only this time, it's a C-section, not a D&C. And this time, I get to come home with my child. Again, my world is being turned inside out and upside down, but this time it is for life, not death.

Strangely, I only noticed the parallels about 20 minutes ago, I'm usually very good at creating links. And no, I don't think these links are bad or sad. I think they speak to a stability in my marriage and my character. And I believe my first little soul is out there, excitedly waiting for his/her parents to meet this little sister tomorrow and to make more memories.

Baby 1.0 (since we never got to learn any more) will never be forgotten and the empty spot where they should be will never be filled by anyone else. But it's important to me to remember what that baby brought us, gave us. Today we are closer than we were in the lead up to my first pregnancy. We rediscovered each other emotionally and physically in our grief and we are more committed and bonded than ever before. We are also individually more determined and more open, more ready. And more terrified... In some ways, Baby 1.0 gave us our second child, but also gave us back our relationship and our lives. I'm grateful for that gift, very grateful. I'm also sad, because parents shouldn't outlive children and, though unborn, that was my child and I lost them.

So, let us try this again, only this time, let the tears be happy. (And let it not undo me)

A quick vent

So, I've been a really good girl and keeping my negativity to a minimum and just generally being nicer than comes naturally to me. When first I started this blog a very long time ago, I did it, because I needed somewhere to vent, whether good or bad. Today, I just need to get some negative stuff out of my system.

What's gotten me riled? Mommy groups on Facebook! 

So, I'm expecting, we've got that covered. One of my friends very helpfully added me to a few mommy groups on Facebook. At first I was grateful, by now, I'm going insane. The only reason I haven't removed myself, is that it saves me subscribing to the 40 pages that occasionally post to these groups with useful insight.

OK, background done, let the griping begin :-)

Why can none of these women spell? At all? In any of the languages they choose to express themselves. Seriously, it's not so hard. "His" means belonging to him. "He's" is a contracted form of "he is". They are not interchangeable. There is also a difference between "babies" and "baby's". You change a baby's diaper, but even babies can spell better than some of these women. (Let's not even mention that this is a common mistake I see in company newsletters and professional articles, as well) And these are just two examples, I won't start on the rest or the abbreviated text, because I might suffer a stroke from sheer frustration. Let's just say, it's great that you made your little one a cutesy lunch and posted a picture on the mommy group of your choice and had a good brag, but you sound (read) like an idiot. I know I'm a huge snob about these things, but all I can think is "That's nice, you're raising a stupid fat kid. Way to go you!" Yes, that's nasty, but I am definitely not the nastiest person out there...

So... they can't spell and have very poor grammar, this naturally translates to stupidity for me (yes, I know all about the valid cases, dyslexia, learning problems, third language, poor education...), but I am still shocked by the questions people ask. Why are you asking a group of a few thousand other idiots medical questions? Your child has lost a massive amount of weight in a week and isn't eating or breathing well and there is blood in their diaper, what should you do? Get the F@*& off Facebook and take your kid to the hospital!!! That's what. Seriously? I'm all for the tougher approach to germs and growing a natural immune system with a little dirt, but that picture you posted looks like your kid is septic and might lose a limb. Why are you on social media and not at the doctor? And why has it taken this long? And what help do you think a woman in a different province, who can't even spell, will be to your child, exactly? So this is the nasty me, again, but not only are you considerably more stupid than your spelling implies, but you are a very poor excuse for a parent.

On the subject of photos that appear to be the rotting limb of a very young child, let us move on to "The Horror Story". Johnson & Johnson is slowly poisoning our little bundles of joy - on purpose. Huggies gave your baby the most amazing chemical burns and don't care even a little. Formula feeding causes brain damage. Vaccinations are linked to Autism. Doctors purposely keep our infants sick to make more money. Who even knows what else they have yet to come up with? For the love of peace, if all of that were true, how the hell are these companies still in business? And everyone with an internet connection can propagate this nonsense. You're scaring the life out of other mothers, who now have no idea who to trust any more, and endangering children everywhere. So now you are an idiot, a bad parent and a dangerous person. You are mostly dangerous, because you are an idiot who communicates with other idiots and you have latched on to an unsubstantiated notion, but you remain dangerous.

From horror story to bad science... Again, anyone with an internet connection can propagate nonsense. If I see one more "New research shows..." article, I might actually comment on something. First off, NONE of those articles are actually the original research paper. Not one. Nor are they the article from the scientific journal the paper was originally reviewed in. They are generally an article from the Times or some rag where the journalist has read the excerpt of the article that reviewed the paper originally, taken the bits that sound juicy, pulled it out of context, grabbed a few random quotes, again out of context and built a consumer "article". THAT IS NOT SCIENCE. It's not even good reporting. And it's dangerous. It's even more dangerous when you then spread this garbage around the internet to people who can't even spell, never mind read a research paper. Stupid, bad, dangerous, ill-informed parent!

And then we have the opinion camps. Bottle or breast, co-sleep or own room, sleep train or whatever it's called when you don't, Huggies or Pampers, organic or not, wearables or strollers, skin-to-skin or not, the list goes on forever. And you're either a blooming Nazi about your point of view, or you can't even stand your ground about the decision you made for your child and you let people guilt you so badly that you spend more time hemming and hawing than parenting. Every kid is different, every parent is different, you do the best you can to match your parenting to your kid, you own your decision, you don't shove it down someone's throat and we all get on with our lives. You're already stupid and dangerous, now you want to be either spineless or bitchy, too. Good heaven! Look at you go.

And while we're on the subject of being spineless, why the hell are you getting pregnant when you are in the situation you are? You're both unemployed, so having a kid seemed a solid idea? Birth control isn't expensive and closing your legs is free. Your partner is an abusive jerk, so you figured having a baby would be good. Seriously? I can't even... Really? That was your plan? You know the top cause of death in pregnant women? Abusive partners. And that is a statistical fact. You're going to let your child grow up seeing that? Thinking that is normal? What the hell is wrong with you? You knew your husband didn't want another child and treats you poorly, but you figured he'd come around as the pregnancy progressed? He doesn't even like your previous child, what's special about the new one? And then you type up your sob story and send it to the administrator to post anonymously and you ask for advice and sympathy, because you are at your wits' end. You are a stupid, selfish, sorry excuse for a human. I won't even start on my opinion of your parenting. I'm not sorry for you, but I spend my day crying for your child. I hold mine tighter and I hug my pets and I thank my husband for being a good man and I thank God I had the strength to say no to relationships a child shouldn't grow up in and men who should not have children. And I bleed a little for those couples who would give anything for a child and would be such wonderful parents, but will never have a child, because life isn't fair.

My thinking, or my hope, is that these groups are created to support new mothers. The advice (another commonly misspelled word) is supposed to be about where to get a good deal, how to deal with a difficult child, how to survive the difficult times, good doctors, etc. It's a SUPPORT group. At least, I think it is. I don't feel supported, I feel surrounded - by stupid, dangerous, ill-informed, judgemental, bitchy, spineless people. WHO ALL PROCREATED, some more than once. I'm scared. I worry that my child might come into contact with theirs. I worry that it's contagious and she might catch it and I'll have to decontaminate her. I also worry that the kid with the rotting leg might have been at the park before us and she'll get whatever is slowly eating his flesh, because I am a new mother and I worry about silly things. I want to keep my child safe, but all the mothers I have been exposed to are nutjob morons and I don't want them or their offspring near my child or even near my pets or me. Somewhere, there must be a group with solid mothers, who can spell and are there to support each other and build each other and make this experience the joy it should be. I wish I knew where they are...

Anyway, that's my gripe, which turned out not to be quick. I shall leave it there now, maybe. My poor husband will probably have to hear about it again...

Happy parenting :-)

Lucky in love

So apparently pregnancy and blogging go hand in hand. I don't think I've written this much in quite a while. And still, I haven't written much, really :-)

Today I wish to sing my husband's praises. I figure I will do so now, since I have approximately 4 months to go before I have to give birth and never have another good night's rest again in my life and it's all his fault...

So, basically this is about two things he has done recently, aside from the usual being supportive and working his butt off to support us financially and his usual awesomeness.

First, early last week he was telling me about a video he had watched about women discussing the things nobody had warned them about regarding pregnancy. Now, aside from the fact that he watched a video about women's experiences of pregnancy and then told me all about it, he had given very serious thought to what the women had to say. He had also been listening to me babble on about every article, blog, open letter, column and academic paper I have read about pregnancy and parenting, since he could compare the comments in the video to things I had said. 

I think mostly, we as wives assume that our husbands pretend to listen or phase out. I live on that assumption. I'm fine with it, since mostly I chatter in order to reinforce what I have learned or to solve a problem for myself, he just needs to make it look like I'm not talking to myself. (As a disclaimer, when I really need him to listen, I always have his complete and undivided attention). So, to find out that he had been listening quite intently and actually retaining the information I threw his way, was pretty great in and of itself. BUT, here's my absolute favourite part:

I asked him what he had learned from watching the video. He turned to me, looked me in the eye and said: "I learned that you are a pretty amazing mother." First-time-mother-to-be's mind blown

Secondly, this past Saturday we went to our local dairy factory store. While we were standing in the queue, I stood up on my toes and gave him a quick, but loving peck. Being rather focused on us at the time, I only realised after doing it that I had done so just as a teenager was coming towards us, looking right at us. So I mumbled an apology to myself along the lines of "Sorry, kiddo, but you'll get over it". My husband merely hugged me close and said, "No, she'll figure out that after you have been with someone for eight years and gone through some pretty rough things together, you hope they still want to randomly kiss you in public". I smiled and commented on the fact that we're pretty lucky that way. At this he turned and informed me that he had realised "again recently" how fortunate he is to have me in his life.

I tend to think he could have done much better, but to know that he considers himself lucky and that he thinks I'm great, is a wonderful gift, every time.

And another disclaimer: Relationships are work, marriages are a lot of work. It's not always moonlight and roses and romance and cuteness. Most of life together is exactly that: LIFE together. That means he doesn't replace the toilet paper and I leave my shoes everywhere. It means dishes and bills and laundry and money worries and work stress and sleepless nights and colds and broken valuables and disagreements. But with the right person, as with the right job, work really doesn't feel like work. When you talk and you handle the little issues as they crop up and you really deal with what the issue ACTUALLY is, instead of arguing about the fact the cats aren't fed when you're worried about money, that makes a world of difference. No secrets aside from birthday/Christmas/surprise gifts, no lies. When you can manage all that, even shopping for cheddar cheese and strawberry milk can remind you how very much you love the person at your side.

Things you missed

There are so many things you should have seen and experienced. And for so many reasons, you missed them. So here they are (not that you can read any more or ever even knew that I had a blog, but hey-ho).

You never saw me go to university and put all those things you used to teach me in the veld to use as foundation for my studies.

You never got to see me work out that my original major choice didn't work for me, exactly or see me throw myself into Biology, because I loved it.

You never got to stand by me when I realised I wouldn't be able to complete my course due to financial constraints and would have to find a full-time job and you never got to see the disappointment on lecturers faces when they found out later that I'd given up my studies for survival, because I'd actually made an impression. And you'll never see me graduate next year.

You never saw me find a job and leave home and strike out on my own. I took to it quite well and because you raised a curious and practical daughter, I didn't stop learning and adapting. And you never saw me leave that job for a better one and learn new skills.

You didn't see me build a home, my way. You never met my first pet, who made it a home and gave me solace when things didn't go the way I had hoped.

You never got to see me change from an independent, confident teenager to a timid, cowed young woman as the result of a bad relationship. And you never got to see me pull myself together and fight back and reclaim my life. You never got to see me walk away from what was bad for me. And you never got to see me grow into a strong, wilful, independent woman who is a full partner to a good man.

You never saw me dance. And I was good, very good. And you really should have seen me. You never got to see me fight to get to the point where I could say that and you never saw me blossom as a result.

You never got to see my engagement ring or walk me down the aisle or see me smile at the man who chose to build a life with me. Worse, you never got to know him. And that is a terrible loss for you.

You never got to meet my second cat or my first dog. You never got to see my family grow from just me to a husband and wife, two cats and a dog. You never got to see me do things right. You never got to see me build a home with a family and values and a solid foundation. You never got to see me smile sincerely as an adult and you never got to see me laugh at all, sincerely or not.

You never got to hear me say I'm pregnant for the first time. And you never got to comfort me a month later when my entire world collapsed in the space of 30 seconds.And you never got to see my tentative joy at the second positive pregnancy test. You never got to see my baby's heartbeat on a sonar photo or try to figure out what all the various statistics meant. You never got a call telling you that she's a girl and doing well or photo updates in your inbox. You'll never get to hold your grandchild or know her name. You'll never show her why it's called Rooikrans or explain to her how her eyes work or rattle off Latin names for everything as you walk together.

Worst of all, you never got to make things right. We both missed that. But I learned from you and our little girl will never walk alone. The man you never got to meet is the type of man I wish you were, or that I wish you had stayed and he is becoming the father you should have remained.

And I wish you were here to see it.

It's the little things

So often you see the poster or picture that says "Life is made of moments" or "It's the small things that make it worth while". And a part of you knows that's true, but mostly, you just keep scrolling and don't take note of what that means.

So I want to take a moment to reflect on the little things that make it worth opening my eyes in the morning.

The five minutes between my alarm going off and my actually getting up when both my husband and I are still sleepy and he lets me wriggle into his arms and just lie there snug and safe.

My cats running to greet me when I get home, each with their own brand of affection.

The look on my dog's face when she realises I'm home. Even though hubby works from home and has been there all day, she is so excited to see her human and I feel so wanted.

When my husband casually makes air kisses at me while he's playing games and I'm vegging on the couch. He's totally engrossed in fighting some enemy or other, but he still remembers to remind me that he loves me.

Falling asleep on the couch to the sounds of whatever game is being played this month (Diablo III and Fallout New Vegas, for the record)

The way McGyver prowls the bedroom until I settle for the night, so he can crawl onto my chest and fall asleep purring, warm and content.

That smile. That boyish smile of complete indulgence and enjoyment. The one he smiles when the cats do something silly and endearing or when he is up to absolutely no good.

When he sometimes looks at me and those ice blue eyes go soft and he says something like "I love your smile".

Being able to be completely inappropriate around my friends.

Sitting on the front step with the cats and the dog around, all co-existing peacefully.

Being able, everyday, to touch the ones I love most, whether that means kissing my husband, holding my cats or stroking my dog. Everyday, I get to reach out my hand and touch them, and that is awesome.

There's obviously more, but I'll leave it at that for now.