Maternity - Intro to a series

So, I haven't been here in for ever and the only reason I am here now is because I need an outlet and this is fairly obscure and I'm really bad at keeping diaries.

So, this will either be the first of a series of posts or the only one I ever get round to actually doing. The intended series is about wanting children and the crap surrounding that particular can of worms, for me, along with my experience of losing a pregnancy.

So... Wanting children.

I've always wanted to be a mother, for as far back as I can remember. Even when I thought boys were gross and I'd never get married, I wanted kids. I come from a so-called broken home. My parents divorced when  I was five and both subsequently remarried. My step mother is the spawn of the devil, as far as I can tell and I am not much more impressed with my step father. Coming from that background, I have my share of damage and probably more than my share of opinions surrounding parenting. Chiefly - the welfare of the child must always come first.

Anyway, the mind wanders. As with most people who really want children of their own, I have gone out of my way to ensure that I am in a situation conducive to bringing up happy, healthy, balanced children. In my case, that means that I am healthy, stable, in a stable relationship, mentally well (as much as anyone can be) and as prepared as possible. Now I said "in my case", because I don't take issue with single people becoming parents if they are in a position to do so on all other levels and simply do not have the appropriate partner.

Which brings me to my point regarding the welfare of the child. I have resigned myself to the idea that if it takes too long for me to fall pregnant, I might need to give up on having children in order to avoid bringing a child into the world who will have a poor quality of life, due to my own selfish needs. It is my belief that if the chances are overwhelmingly stacked in favour of a child having a poor quality of life, people should avoid falling pregnant at all cost.

In my opinion, a good parent wants the absolute best for their offspring. This means a stable environment to grow up in, safety - emotionally and physically, a good education and as high a standard of health as possible. So I believe that it is understandable for myself and others like me to become frustrated at "doing everything right" and struggling, while other people pop out babies like gumball machines when they really should be rethinking the whole pregnancy thing.

And yes, there is resentment. A lot of it. But let's be clear, the resentment is at the situation, not the people, usually. I've got three examples, that happened in my life in quick succession. A single mother of one purposely falling pregnant again, despite not being employed and the first child having had absolutely no positive effect on the stability of the relationship between its mother and father - she's now a single mother of two, trying to make ends meet with a post doc.

A woman who had already given up parental rights to her first child and then also had visitation rights terminated, as she is bi-polar and not considered a fit parent, falling pregnant again to replace her first born. Getting married only to be able to hold on to the new parental rights, while struggling to get through a regular day without the added stress of a newborn.

And then there is the most recent and all encompassing thorn in my side. The recent cancer survivor, who having faced the possibility of not living another year and dealt with her husband's very poor response to her treatment, admitted that she was unhappily married, in love with another man and had started planning how to move on with her life. The issue of kids had come up before the cancer and back then, qualms were genetic eye problems, differences in views on discipline and raising kids and a few other items. So, even before cancer, any child's odds weren't great. After cancer, one can imagine the surprise of receiving the "I'm pregnant" email, having just gone through the "I don't want children anymore and am planning to leave him" text messages. Now, I might be old fashioned, but I'm of the opinion that when you want to leave someone, you practice no sex, never mind safe sex. So as a friend, I feel either lied to or deeply shocked at the carelessness of someone I have considered intelligent.

All that, however isn't my point. My point is this. Of course someone trying to fall pregnant and well prepared for having children is going to resent a situation where they are struggling to fall pregnant and provide a child with a healthy, happy home, when three people around them are having children who will be born into uncertainty at the least and at worst, broken homes and parental resentment. One of those children is also likely to be born with impaired vision. And all this unnecessary uncertainty, because their parents put their own needs first and their unborn children's needs last.

When you really want a child and when you have really considered all the consequences of YOUR having a child and have gone to great lengths to ensure that you are in a good position to be a good parent, it is hard not to consider that a good parent should put a child's welfare first, even before an egg is fertilised. You can't turn away from the fact children are coming into an unfriendly world, because their parents weren't thinking or because they are meant to fill a gap or fix a relationship. As a parent, you are responsible for your child's welfare and happiness from the moment you first consider the notion of children. If you can't conceive of the fact that that means you probably shouldn't get pregnant, I worry for your unplanned/ill-conceived children. You don't only make your life difficult, you ruin another human from day one. And that breaks the heart of every desperate-to-be-a-parent person out there.

We don't resent you, we simply think further and we sincerely pity your child.

Squad Manager

OK, really I'm only posting this for access to an image.

I've been appointed National Squad Manager for the South African Flying Disc Association. Yay!

Glass Houses

Long time, nothing to say...

Today I was reminded of all the sayings about throwing stones. People in glass houses, he without sin... All that.

We easily get on our moral high horse when those around us make mistakes, comfortably forgetting any of our own. I did that today. I was absolutely outraged at friends' thoughtless, callous and unethical/immoral behaviour. Oddly, 7 years ago, I did the exact same thing.

It took me most of the day to let it simmer down to the fact I have no right to judge. And to find my ground for how angry I get to be. Finally it boils down to the fact I expected better from them and feel betrayed by their actions against each other. And I am angry, because I am selfish and their actions have inconvenienced me. And I am angry because I care about them. And frankly, because I want to be.

But while I am angry, I should remember to undress in the dark...